Sleep is becoming one of my good friends that I treasure and that can be a problem to me when I want to get up early in the mornings to got to the gym.

I feel really fat and gross because I have been eating shit, and I am worried about my future eating habits. I plan on starting a healthy diet on December 1st and because I have been eating so crappy, it is going to be hard to do. I am giving myself five months to lose around 15 – 25 pounds – I want to lose a little chub-chub before my birthday, and summer would be a lot easier for me as well. I believe I can do it, as long as I make the right decisions and not make it harder for myself.

I have been going to the gym on and off. Haven’t gone for four days. I don’t really want to go tomorrow, but I just might surprise myself and force myself to the gym, even if it kills me. 

I read my mommy’s journal (part of it, anyway) and she talked a little about how she wants my brother and me to work hard for the things we want, and that made me feel really determined. I want to accomplish my goal for not only myself but for my parents as well. 

Going to bed. Need the sleep for tomorrow morning if I want to get up. Night!

I am in a bad mood! Holy poop! I just want to scream at someone. If there was fruit around here, I would eat that, but I am at my grandad’s and there is nothing buy expired food here.

Didn’t go to the gym because I got scared. Don’t think I’ll go tomorrow either. Blah, I am a fatty.

I am going to go. Just felt like bitching.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday, so I ate junk food (had a tub of cookie dough ice cream with my friend and KFC for supper). It was terribly good. Yesterday was different than all the other days I’ve eaten junk; I felt awful, both physically and mentally. I am beginning to feel really unhealthy and I am so fat!!! I can’t really even look at myself without getting really pissed at myself.

I was on my way to the gym – today I am feeling a little emotional and I am scared to go to the gym because I haven’t been there in awhile – and when I got closer, I freaked and turned around, heading home. Pathetic. I was telling myself that I would just go later (at this time, actually) but I am far too comfortable and lazy to move my butt to that gym.

Another reason that I didn’t go to the gym is, I, alike many other people including a boy from my school, prefer to workout in the morning. As I was sauntering dreamingly to the gym, a van passed me and Matthew (the boy from my school) was in the van. I am extremely uncomfortable exercising in front of him. It’s just so awkward and awful for me. So, for that reason alone, I retreated from going to the gym.

I really don’t even want to eat shit food. Today, despite that I didn’t go to the gym, I am going to eat healthy – hopefully! I emailed my aunt in B.C. and she is really helpful, so I explained to her briefly about what it going on with my eating, and she told me that once I get back in to my routine, everything else will fall into place.

That totally makes sense: I got sick, couldn’t go to the gym, got stressed, ate junk food. My routine got destroyed and I guess I freaked and acted out. 

Yeah~ I don’t know if I have anything else to write about…I am thinking about getting back together with my ex. Um. Yeah. If I fail, or if I succeed today, I might post and update my journal if I was able to stay away from junk food.

Cya!

I went to the gym on Saturday: lifted weights and jogged, as usual. It was ubber fun! Did the same the next day, and my muscles were super sore – felt so good! My stress level went down and I felt so relieved that I went. I ate well on these days.

Monday morning I didn’t go because I was so tired, and whenever I don’t go to the gym, I feel like a fat person, and my motivation goes down, and since my sugar craving are sky high, I feel like a can eat junk because I didn’t go to the gym and I will just start tomorrow. So, on Monday, my friends and me bought junk food (cookies and chips) and we ate them. There was leftover cookies, so I got sent home with them because no one else wanted them.

Tuesday I easily got up and went to the gym in the morning. Fun, fun, fun! I didn’t realize how much I loved going that early! But after school (this is when I get weak and want to give up) my mind was thinking about the cookies I had hidden in my closet, and since I didn’t just want to throw them away – that would be a waste – I ate as much as a could, along with the left over chips I had from another pigout with a friend. I figured I might as well eat it all and get rid of it. If I don’t have any junk food that is under my ownership, I won’t eat it. I also told my friend to not allow me to buy or eat junk after school when we go to the mall; she promised to not let me do that.

Another thing I did on Tuesday was, before eating the cookies, I was at my grandad’s waiting to get a ride home and eat supper, and while I was wating, I ate ice cream and nacho chips, and some chocolate-covered peanuts (I think that is it).

I drank tea before going to bed because it helps me with all the crap I ate, but late in the night I woke up feeling really sick and I still do. I know for a fact that it is because of the junk I ate. No more. I pray. I hope. No more junk food.

Now that I am lifting weights every Sat. and Sun., I think losing weight will be even more easier, because I didn’t really lift weights before because I was uncomfortable with doing so. All I need to do is eat healthier and lower my calories intake.

I seem to get super hungry after school, so my plan is to save a fruit and the veggies that I usually get in my lunch and eat them after school so I don’t give in to temptation. I bought some Fiber 1 bars for after school, as well, since they fill me up.

If I can just find the answer to how to keep me not starving after school, then I think I should be okay. Sugar craving I can fight any day when I am not hungry/starving.

Since I am feeling a bit flu-ish today, I am not going to the gym (I think it is open, but today is also Rememberance Day, so I deserve to relax at home). I didn’t get too much sleep last night because of dreams and my stomach, went to bed late too (2:30 a.m.) so I feel like I need to relax. And because I don’t feel good I am not going to be hard on myself and my body, so I am not going to lower my calorie intake, have it normal. Yeah~ I do, however, plan on going to the gym tomorrow morning and working hard! 

I can feel a lot of people helping me, including God, but it is me who is messing it up. If I can get over this “phase”, I am sure that the guidance of others will impact me greatly.

Today is Day 1 of not eating any junk food. Hope I can keep it up.

I did well today: I was motivated, focused, eager, and more than willing to get back on track with exercising and eating healthy – until after school. I was so starving, and when I am starving all my motivation and concentration leaves me because I am so hungry. So, today, after school at the mall, I bought my friends and me some food (not good food) and we all at it.

I failed myself and I feel like poop. I feel so horrible. It seems like not matter how much I eat and how sick I get (both physically and mentally) I just can’t stop myself from eating junk, or overeating. It id getting on my nerves! Grrrr….

I was thinking about ways to stop myself from getting too hungry, that way I won’t be facing both the cravings and the empty stomach. Ideas I came up with are buying Fiber 1 granola bars, which have lots of fiber in them (obviously!) and having some sort of portable motivation, something I could look at and be like, Hey, that’s right. I am a strong person. I can’t eat junk food. I was thinking about printing a picture of something that would make me motivated (like a picture of SHINee, Jonghyun, or girlicious), or to write myself a letter explaining to myself why I shouldn’t give up.

I just wrote myself the motivation letter. I think it will stop me dead in my tracks. It is so brutally true and shockingly strong.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning but only because my aunt would have gotten scared. She prefers me to tell her when I am going to the gym. No worries though, I am going today sometime. It is windy outside but I will still walk to the gym.

I am kinda concerned about going to the gym because I know for a fact that my fitness level has gone down immensely, and because I am uncomfortable with my body and I’ll feel tubby when I go there…but I did it before so I can do it now.

Jeepers, will I ever be able to overcome this horrible habit I am in?

Amber out!

Yet again I have not gone to the gym. I was so horribly tired and I talked myself out of going – I don’t think properly that early in the morning…

Another thing I have done again is eating junk food and totally eating too much. I think what is causing all this is the stress – it is building up and making me overwhelmed – it is the strong feelings of urges to eat sugar, and I think I am waiting for me to go to the gym. To me, it will seem more real once I start going to the gym.

I am feeling really motivated and disgusted with myself after doing that to myself again.

My friend and I have been watching a lot of shows where people are trying to lose weight (X-weighted, for example). It makes me so motivated, and it makes me think, These people are doing it, so why can’t I? I know I am just as capable as the others losing weight, but I chose to make the wrong decisions and to make it harder for myself.

I have found other ways in motivating myself (through music, ect.) and these new discoveries help somewhat, but if I am feeling like I need to eat a lot, I need the music – or motivation – to be there with me in order for it to have an affect, and to stop me from eating junk.

Hopefully I will go to the gym. I am still aching to go, it’s just the getting up early that is stopping me from going, and I really treasure my sleep and I know it is a very important key to being healthy. 

Gah, I just really hope that once I start exercising that I snap out of my bad habits and that it helps me ignore my cravings for junk food. I hope that this all passes soon. It’s starting to make me so fat – but I am going to be positive about this entire thing. Blaming myself will not do me any good.

GOODNIGHT!

My alarm on my ipod didn’t go off when it should have because it was an hour behind, so it went off at 6:40 instead of 5:40, therefore, I did not go to the gym today. It might be kind of a good thing that I didn’t go because I still felt a little sick, but I was awfully upset when I awoke and realized I couldn’t go.

I ate good today, it was a bit goofy today. I didn’t eat breakfast because I was not hungry at the time, and I ended up not eating a lunch because I had a mental breakdown, and that ruined my hunger. But I did have my lunch at 5:30, which was a muffin, and I ate supper around 6:30-ish, almost 7.

I feel really good that I stayed clear of junk food. I came soo close to eating chocolate but decided to give it to my friends. I was very proud of myself for having so much strength! I am feeling motivated, as well. It feels so good and healthy. I hope I can keep it up!

I am going to the gym tomorrow morning, only if nothing goes wrong…I know for one thing: I am going to be so tired since I haven’t been getting up as early as I normally do. This is going to kill me!

I must admit, I am a little worried with how good (or bad) I will do jogging tomorrow. I haven’t done enough lately and I might not be able to handle as much as I used too. Oh, wells. I will just have to build it up all over again.

I have to still do some homework, and I want to go to bed earlier so it won’t be so painful in the morning. Gah – I am so stressed with homework! Anyhoo, GOODBYE AND GOODNIGHT!

I woke up not too long ago and felt like crap. I thought I was going to throw up! My stomach feels so nauseated but it is feeling better since I woke up.

This is so terrible! What if I am too sick to go to the gym in the morning?! That isn’t fair – I would be sick for the second time, and I just had to get sick on the day I was going to go to the gym…That is totally wack.

I feel so thirsty but I am worried about drinking water. Any sudden movement makes my tummy upset and thinking about food is grossing my out. Blah. When I breathe, I can of feel winded…? I don’t know, can’t really tell.

I should go. I need to get some sleep just in case I feel better and can go to the gym! Goodnight!

I did set my alarm but it did not go off, meaning I didn’t go to the gym. 

Today I was doing pretty good, until lunch came and I looked to see what I had. My aunt gave me foods that I loved but that I wouldn’t call them healthy. Of course, I ate them, and since I screwed up my healthy diet, even if it was so little, I decided to give up and I ate chocolate and chips. The experience was a good one, because I think it brought me closer to my friend, Steph. It was fun.

I have this thing that if i screw up at the beginning of something, usually a diet, I give up, and if I screw up, I am going to screw up a lot. 

I didn’t really feel too guilty about it. I am getting better with not blaming myself, but now, whenever I make a mistake, I get impatient because I know I can actually slim myself down and get the body and health that I want, but I always mess up and I have to restart again. This bothers me because it almost feels like waiting, and I want to restart as quickly as possible.

I finally got my ipod and now I can start going to the gym in the mornings! I am so glad, and I think once I start going to the gym again, it will trigger the motivation in my mind and it will tell my body that I actually want to lose weight. I know I have been saying this to myself for over a week, but I think I will be going uphill from now on, I really hope I do.

Aha! I think I just figured out why I have been eating so much! My mood has been horrible since I have stopped going to the gym, and I was getting so upset, and I eat when I get upset. Now since I am resuming going to the gym, my mood will improve greatly and I hopefully won’t eat so much. Smarts!

I am going to start a new good habit: drinking green tea and oolong tea. These two teas are healthy and can help people lose weight. Whenever I drink either of these teas, I feel so good and healthy. It’s a good feeling, so I want to drink it more often. Actually, I am on my third cup of green tea right now! I am wishing that this habit will stay with me.

Just thinking about going to the gym tomorrow morning is making me happy! I can’t wait! I am so excited. My body has been wishing to go for a run, even my mind wanted to go!!!! The gym became my third home (actual home 1st home, school 2nd home) and I miss going there so much.

I am feeling good right now.

Whenever I feel myself slipping I am going to try and get my motivation back. Last time when I wanted junk food, I seen the boy I was attracted to and suddenly didn’t want to eat junk anymore. When I watch SHINee, TVXQ, or 2NE1, I usually get really motivated, and watching music videos with skinny girls in them makes me want to lose weight, too. I like to watch fat shows where people lose weight, so I can watch that whenever I feel myself slipping. I will use all of these tricks, and others, whenever I feel myself slipping.

I am going now! BYEBYE!

Didn’t go to the gym this morning. Alarm clock didn’t go off. I was really upset that I didn’t go this morning, but when I woke up I felt so sleepy. Don’t even think I would have been able to go.

I am getting so stressed and feel like crap, although I do feel better today after physed. We ran a lot – I ran a lot today, actually! It felt so beautiful. I could feel all the crap leaving my body.

Since I haven’t been to the gym for just over a week, I noticed that my skin is breaking out more and that I am getting moody and my muscle is turning flabby. 

I am planning on going to the gym tomorrow morning, but since I lost my phone and I don’t have my ipod with me, and since my alarm on my radio didn’t work this morning, I might not go. Hopefully I do, although I might be awfully tired if I do go…

I did so well today! Ate healthy, didn’y eat too much, and I stopped myself from overeating. I was planning on going to my grandad’s house to eat the rest of his mars bars from Halloween since he won’t eat them, but I got determined and motivated after seeing a guy that I am wildly attracted to and didn’t want to eat the mars bars anymore. I am so proud of my strength. Hopefully I can keep it up!

God really helped me today, and I think him for that.

I am going to bed! Nighty-night!